“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
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I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.