Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
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Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
My teenage children choosing violence