I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
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me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.