I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
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why he move like a hotel transylvania character
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card