“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
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I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂