“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
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And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.