Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
You Might Also Like
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
me and my fake scenarios
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.