The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
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ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice