It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
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I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
All. The. Damn. Time.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself