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Expectations vs. Reality
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at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.