THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
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They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean