The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
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doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee