Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
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The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Did my cat write this
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?