Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
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Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
incredible book dedication
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!