Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
You Might Also Like
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.