There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
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What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.