I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
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Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Most fashion shows these days…
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.