The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
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Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
best review i’ve ever seen
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Running from your problems is cardio .
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor