Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
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I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money