I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
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Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
I think the cat got the dog high.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ