Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
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I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
B
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.