I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
You Might Also Like
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay