Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
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Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”