6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
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“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.