this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
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Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
“i am a sweet baby”
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.