Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
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My favorite sport ? Lasagna
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum鈥檚 flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I鈥檓 swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn鈥檛 say HUMAN wom鈥攚hat are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
*sneaks into neighbor鈥檚 garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
wanna know what鈥檚 worse than being cheated on? finding out he鈥檚 trying to cheat but nobody wants him 馃槶
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you鈥檝e aged horribly
me: u didn鈥檛 even turn it on
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It鈥檚; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.