Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
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No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
the greatest twitter interaction
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
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i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.