What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
You Might Also Like
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.