Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
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not seeing the problem
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Same post same
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake