Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
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so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.