Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
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Passwords are more important than ever.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat