Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
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My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
drew a comic about my origin story
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby