I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
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Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.