you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
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I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
It do be feeling this way.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it