*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
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*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.