[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
You Might Also Like
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.