I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
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ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?