ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
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What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?