me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
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This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.