“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
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When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad