I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
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a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
blocked.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
(by @ZachWeiner )
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.