Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
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Good morning, Twitter 😊
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Great game to play with friends
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
All. The. Damn. Time.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
This guy’s not having it 😆