my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
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(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Happy thanksgiving!
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
The dark side of Canada