10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
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Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.