[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
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“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
It’s a gift
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Living the best life.. 😊
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.