The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
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Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Lassie, get help!