While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
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Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Bro what is this
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
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