I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
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“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
3% human
97% stress
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.