I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
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24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.