Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
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Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
pep talk
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
the world’s most popular steaming services
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.